Blank is for Chronic.

It's 2:13 a.m. says my computer. I have only had six hours of sleep in the last two days, and I don't suppose it's gonna get better anytime soon. I should still be writing now--two scripts due on Friday and I doubt they're gonna write themselves. But I can't just yet. I need to write this down.

I realized that the past few days--between my frantic search for the perfect metaphors and the half-assed dialogues I let these random characters churn out, between sleep that wasn't really sleep and wakefulness that wasn't really wakefulness, between what's real and what I chose to believe--has been building up for one explosive epiphany. I had no idea when and how it would strike--I just knew something huge was coming my way.

And now it's here. Nothing could be more random, and nothing could be more real, and nothing could be more painful. Funny how it's so easy to distort the way you see your life just by tilting your head a teeny-weeny bit to one side. It's jarring. Which is why I asked myself if I would really rather suffer through this--knowing this is what's real--or just go back to how I thought I knew things to be?

I get it now. It's a mess, but at least it's a mess I see. That has to count for something. Right? I'm just sorry it took this long for me to know. There are some things you can't find a cure to.

All set.

This was the scene at yesterday's Comelec voters' registration (October 30). I couldn't get everything in the picture, but just imagine five straight rows of people stretching along one full block. That's how it was. It was the second time we attempted to register because when we first went the day before, we were told the office couldn't accommodate us anymore (we got there around 10am).

The following day, my brother and I got to the office at exactly 7am and felt so proud of ourselves for actually managing to wake up early and to get there an hour before it was supposed to open. Little did we know that we were already the 638th and 639th persons to arrive. Lol.

I took this picture 3 hours later, after making a progress of about 50 feet from our starting point. What really sucked for more than half of the people pictured here was that they were sent home by around 10am because the Comelec office could only accommodate about 1000 people. Only less than half of the number of those who showed up that morning was able to register.

In total, we spent 13 hours standing in line and waiting for forever just to submit our application forms and for our photos to be taken. I really can't complain that much since half of it is our fault for showing up a day before the registration's deadline. Pero sa totoo lang, if you've been slaving yourself for the past six months - as in puyat halos every day of my life - medyo mahirap talagang hanapan ng oras ang registration. Hindi ako nag-e-exaggerate dahil bihira na nga rin akong magkaroon ng time to socialize. Pero yeah, I know I could've done this earlier kung pinagpilitan ko lang. But like I said, hindi naman nag-re-reklamo dahil pumila ako ng matagal. Expected ko na 'yun.

But still, I can't help but notice that there is no clear system as to how the office would go about the registration. They have already anticipated the volume of people, but they were still unprepared to handle it. I was told that for the whole week, ganito ang eksena sa registration so I thought that would have been enough time for them to work out a more efficient system.

The registration itself has five steps. Step 1 is checking of requirements, step 2 is releasing of forms, step 3 is submission of forms, step 4 is precinct assessment, and step 5 is biometrics. For most applicants (first-time voters aged 19 and below), step 2 is often bypassed and were handed out forms as soon as their requirments were checked. In my case, I had to go through step 2 since I failed to vote during the 2007 elections and I wanted to change voting precincts. This proved to be my doom as it took them another 3 hours after getting my requirements checked to hand me an application form.

The applicants spent hours and hours standing in line without accomplishing anything. While we were standing in line waiting for our turn to enter the office so we could have our requirements assessed, it would have been better if a representative or two could have just assessed the requirements habang nakapila 'yung mga tao. Besides, it's not like napakaraming documents ang kelangan tignan. It's just one valid ID, after all. Now, once your requirement has been checked, dapat they should have given us a form na for us to fill out while waiting, so that when we got inside the office, all we have to do is submit and wait for our turn at the biometrics. And after the first 50 or 100 people are done, then saka nila papasukin 'yung next batch para hindi maging crowded sa loob. In my case, since they still needed to verify stuff about my status and they couldn't give me a form right away, it's OK kung pag-antayin pa ako ng mas matagal. And other people who had the same status as me should have been put in a different line/group. Pero for those first-time voters like my brother, registration should have been way easier and faster for them.

What happened kasi was we waited 4 hours to get inside the office and have our requirements checked, then I waited another 3 hours to be handed out an application form. After I filled it out and submitted it, I waited another 4.5 hours for my name to be called to let me know that I can now fall in line to have my photo taken. After my name was called, I spent another 2 hours before I had my turn in biometrics. That's over 13 hours in total! From 7am to 8:30pm. It was pretty much the same for my brother, bawasan mo lang siguro ng 2 hours since he didn't have to wait for the form like I did, but he still had to wait in line for a long time just to submit his completed form.

Anyway, I still believe there's no one else to blame but ourselves. If we had only showed up at least a month ago, wala sanang ganitong hassle. But it wouldn't hurt to wish for a more efficient and reliable system, is it? While I'm at it, how difficult is it really to give voters an option to register online? It only seems the most logical next step for us. How hard could that really be? (I'll save my suggestions on this one for another day.)

And by the way, yesteday's registration was supposed to last til 9pm only. I heard they weren't able to finish everything up til midnight. Hay.

I hate you, Anna Scott.

It's a warm Sunday afternoon. The sun is bright, and the clouds are playfully shifting in the sky. Around us, the trees dance to a gentle breeze. The grass sways and teases the soles of our feet. It's quiet, save for the muted sound of your gentle hum. With my head on your lap, I close my eyes and try to listen for the sound of my own heartbeat: I hear a steady rhythm--peaceful and full of life. In the distance, I hear faint children's laughter, random chit-chat, and the out-of-tune horn of an impatient passing car. That's right. I almost forgot. We're not alone here, after all.

Absently, your hand strokes the curls of my hair. I open my eyes and stare at the day's paper that hides your face. Behind it, I'm sure, your brows are furrowed as you read intently. My eyes must have pierced right through the thin sheet because you set the paper down as you look at me and smile. Gently, your hand traces the outline of my face, stopping right at my chin. You lean a little further and in a whisper you say, "This is a scene straight out of Notting Hill, isn't it?" I smile and reply, "I can't believe you've seen that movie."

Today, I saw you again, Ms. Anna Scott. And as you lay on that bench, with your head on William's lap, I felt a sharp pain in my gut. A sudden emptiness at where my heart used to be.

After the storm.

I've been living here in Marikina for close to 20 years now. I was already here back when it was still infamous for having garbage-ridden streets, for flooding even with the slightest drizzle (there was even one instance when my family woke-up to find flood waters inside our bedroom despite having no rain all day long), and for being Metro Manila's rape-murder capital. And I was here when it slowly transformed into the proud, clean, and wonderful city that it is now today.

I love my city. I could never imagine myself living anywhere else. I even told my mom that when I finally get my own place, I'd still live around Marikina.

So it's hard for me to describe just how heartbreaking the images I saw on TV were. And moreso, when I saw the destruction with my very own eyes. To see everything that our city and its people have all worked hard for all these years just get swept away in a matter of hours.

What's even worse is that thousands of people, our friends and relatives included, have experienced great loss and devastation from last weekend's calamity.

Although my family had been lucky enough to be spared, it still doesn't take away from the sadness and gloom. How could I ever be truly happy about the fact that while I was sitting safely and warmly at home--wondering when the rain would let up so that my brother, my cousin, and my mom could finally come home--thousands of families were fighting for their homes and their lives?

I wish my fellow Marikenos strength and determination. So that we may all get through this, one day at a time.

Big girls do cry.

I find myself crying random tears at random times these days. I don’t exactly know what they are for. I haven’t cried in so long that it’s almost impossible for me to remember in the right chronology the things I should be crying about.

I’m no crybaby. I can count in one hand the number of times when I really had a good cry. But it’s been pretty weird these days. I watch a commercial on TV, and I cry. I brush my hair while looking at myself in the mirror and seconds later, my shoulders are shaking and I’m sobbing like a hysterical woman. I hear a song I’ve never heard before, and tears fall from out of nowhere.

Some people say that life is all about the pursuit of happiness. If that was true, I believe I’m halfway there. Sure, things aren’t perfect. But they’re not that bad, either. So what could be wrong?

Recently, I realized it might have something to do with everything that I’ve chosen to ignore in the past. Quite possibly, they’re finally catching up with me. It’s kind of disappointing and sad that some things I thought were obsolete could still somehow creep up on me and catch me off guard. It kind of shatters the world and my life as I know it today.

It just goes to show that you really can’t run away forever. I try so hard to keep my life simple and streamlined. I weed out from time to time and dispose of things that are no longer relevant. But as it turns out, there are things that just won’t go away. At least until you find something newer, shinier, and fancier to replace it with. And even then, it’s still not a guarantee.

I keep telling myself it’s OK to feel vulnerable sometimes. That I can’t just choose which things to grieve over and which to ignore. There’s just no way for someone to compartmentalize and label life and emotions.

Now if only I could get myself to take my own advice.

Another year.

Well, let' see. Things could definitely still use some (actually, a lot of) improvement but I also know that it could get a lot worse, as well. I guess the biggest lesson I've learned in the past year is to take the good along with the bad. I mean, if you just ignore the stink and are patient enough to sift through the trash thrown your way (and which you can do nothing about, by the way), you'd sometimes find gold in there. Besides, it forces you to be tough. Admittedly, I've been becoming more of a loner these past months and it was a conscious decision. I needed to stop relying on people to make me feel better and to stop trying to live up to the world's expectations. I just want to become my own person while riding out the storm. Hopefully, my days will get a lot brighter from now on. Cheers!

Fall.

I was born in September, which would probably make my love for fall a natural attraction. Like love at first sight. Living in the tropics, all I know of fall I learned from books, pictures, and movies. It doesn't make me love it or appreciate it any less than if I were to be standing in the middle of Central Park, surrounded by the red, orange, and brown leaves, fresh from its downward flight. Nothing else in this world--and this goes well and beyond the four seasons (or two, if home for you is somewhere near the equator)--could be more beautiful, poignant, melancholic, hopeful, and breathtaking all at the same time as looking at lush trees--colors changing right before your eyes, leaves circling and dancing with every gust, with the sky and the breeze both caught in a struggle between the eternal sunshine of summer and the chilling promise of winter.

I'm hoping the next fall photo you will see on this blog is of me . . . strolling on Central Park. :)

The Upside of Regret.

I wish I could say the opposite, but if my life were to magically take human form right now, I'm afraid I'll never be able to look it in the eye and say, "I have no regrets."

I think that life, or my life at least, is meant to have a dash of regret. Without it, I don't think I'll ever learn the difference between the best and worst of choices. In realizing the value of the things I've lost in the past, I have learned to appreciate those that I still have. Regret serves to remind me of how quickly the world could change or how fast an old life could end. It's not always bitter, but there's certainly a hint of sadness.

A long time ago, I made the mistake of not ever saying how I truly felt for someone. That chapter in my life has since been a subject of far too many "should have, would have, could have" reflections. But because of that experience, I have likewise since learned to be honest and to make no apologies for how I feel. It was a life lesson I would have taken longer to learn (granted I eventually would) had I not made a bad call and woken up to regret it.

Over the summer, life decided to give me a new lesson.

Three months ago, I met someone who made me feel capable of taking risks and chasing after the world's infinite possibilities once again. He came at a perfect time--I was at a point (still am) where I was slowly but surely coming into terms with myself. A point where I was finally starting to get a picture, blurry as it may be, of what I truly wanted to get out of this life. And all the dim and hazy parts, he seemed to perfectly lit up and fill out.

Looking back, I'm now more inclined to believe that I was right in thinking that it was all too good to be true. He seemed too good to be true. I had to stop a few times before just to ask myself if the person sitting right in front of me was real or a mere figment of my imagination. Our circumstance was picture-perfect. He was picture-perfect. Which is probably why it ended so suddenly. Perhaps, good things aren't meant to last longer than a heartbeat.

In a month's time, the city that we loved and loved us back became an invisible prison that never failed to remind me of the chance I lost because I refused to take up arms and fight for what I felt. It's true, there is little difference between love and war. Often, one begets the other. But ours was the kind of war where there is no real winner unless one of us chooses to withdraw right from the start. Otherwise, we would both end up broken. Maybe worse.

A few weeks ago, he came to me again. He told me all about regrets--the bitter, agonizing kind. I could only keep still and watch the road as I think of how a "yes" could spin the world around and grant me that elusive happiness. Even if that happiness was likely to be temporary. Superficial, even. A tiny part of me was rejoicing while all that remains was slowly coming into the realization that I was right to say no the first time. And I did so again.

I believe having these little regrets doesn't stop me from being happy. After all, my definition of happiness more or less revolves around the general principle of liking and accepting exactly who you are, what you are, where you are. And I know, had I said yes to him, I wouldn't be too pleased with myself after the giddiness that new love brings wears off.

It hasn't sunk in yet. Not really. But I'm almost sure that one day, the consequences of my actions (or inaction) today would somehow catch up on me. There's a good chance that I'll come to regret this in the future. And I can only hope that when that happens, I could still get a chance to fight a good fight and put another good lesson to use.

I need these regrets. They serve to remind me of how quickly the world could change or how fast an old life could end. It's not always bitter, but there's almost always a hint of sadness. But in this world, there's a lot of sorrow to go around. So I'm more or less used to it now.

***

And on that note, indulge me: